Christmas is a joy-filled time of year filled with candy canes, eggnog, presents and lots of Christmas cheer—that is, unless you’re one of these naughty Santa Clause posers.
Merry Freakin’ Christmas, everyone!
On this holiday special of the Lady Dicks we’re talking all about dirty ol’ Saint Nick. Or at least naughty people who have dressed up as him and committed crimes (or just crappy acts in general).
We’ve curated a list of the baddest Santa’s just for you and today we’re going to tell you six of them!
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Santa’s on the naughty list
Our first story takes place in 1927, in Cisco, Texas.
It was in the midst of the great depression and Marshall Ratliff, a prolific Texas bank robber, found himself jobless and in desperate need of cash. However, there was a tad bit of an issue, it was Christmas so (we assume) he was home visiting his family.
Ratliff was a pretty well-known bank robber, so obviously if he hit up his local bank, he’d be recognized. He needed a fool-proof disguise. And found one he did…
Ratliff and three of his conspirators concocted a plan for them to rob a bank on December 23. The kicker? Ratliff was to sport a Santa suit while doing it. They figured because of the season, no one would bat an eyelash.
So it was December 23, and Ratliff wandered into the bank wearing his Santa suit followed by a gaggle of children who were excited to see him. He patted them on the head and gave them friendly greetings as he walked towards the teller when his co-conspirators barged in, brandishing pistols and ordering staff and patrons onto the floor.
The robbers forced the bank manager to open a safe and the main vault and the group crammed over $150,000 in cash and securities into Santa’s sack (an equivalent of $2,089,186).
However, what the group was not expecting was a particularly fanatical woman and her six-year-old daughter who, despite the instructions to stay on the floor and remain silent, burst out of the bank doors screaming.
This obviously alerted the police to the robbery and they surrounded the bank. After taking two young girls hostage and having a fancy-dancy 1920s shootout with the police that involved killing two officers and losing one of their own who was wounded in the shootout. He died in the getaway car. The four bandits (err… three) got into the car and peeled away.
This naughty Santa bank robbery prompted the largest manhunt seen in Texas at the time. Eventually, when they were ambushed by police in a later shoot out all three robbers got hit. Ratliff, our bad Santa, was shot three times. They all survived and stood trial.
Of Ratliff’s partners, one was sentenced to life in prison and the other was hanged. Ratliff got a death sentence, but it was overturned when he filed for a “lunacy hearing.” But the angry citizens of Eastland County would have none of that shit… they stormed the prison and lynched Ratliff by hanging him between two telephone polls.
This was not the only naughty Santa Claus bank robber in the area. In 2009, a copycat took place. The man dressed in the Santa suit this time was heard telling bystanders that he “needed money to pay for his elves.” #MinimumWageY’all
The hungriest Saint Nick
On December 19, 2015, in Derbyshire, England a man dressed as Santa Claus climbed through the drive-thru window at a KFC Restaurant
. However, instead of accessorizing with a fashionable white beard, this Saint Nick had on a black ski mask (or a pair of stockings, the jury’s still out) to go with his classy red robe and pants. He even sported the red hat!
This naughty Santa stuffed all the money from the till in his sack and forced staff, at knifepoint, to open the store’s safe.
The description of bad Santa read: “a red hat, red trousers and a red jacket [ . . . ] and had his face covered.” Hungry Santa was never caught and they never reported how much money he actually stole.
Elkin Clarke was dressed as Santa on December 10, 2004, selling Hershey chocolate in downtown Atlanta when he met with the “customer from hell” whom he later told police was stealing his stuff.
The culprit, an elderly woman, Elkin contended stole nearly 29 boxes of chocolate worth $145 from him… though there is no actual evidence of that.
As one does in that situation, Elkin flipped out and picked up a large board which he proceeded to use to smash the woman in the back of her head.
Two bystanders attempted to run over and protect the victim but before they could get there Elkin had taken another two swings at her. The victim, a 74-year-old woman, died a month later from her injuries.
Not cool, Santa. Not freakin’ cool.
Smoked out Santa
Randy Lange wanted to spread some last-minute Christmas cheer, and that’s why he found himself at a Monterey County, California branch of Buffalo Wild Wings on January 1, 2015.
He claimed to be Santa Claus and inside his sack he had “5 football-sized amounts of pot, weighing over 2 pounds.” Randy accosted customers telling them that he’d brought presents and placed samples of pot into their “confused, chicken-greased hands.”
His Christmas tidings didn’t stop there, he also gave employees an “unwelcome Christmas bonus” by filling their tip jar with “a hefty brick of weed.”
The recipients of Randy’s gifts were not as enamoured as he’d hoped and the police were soon called. He was charged for “furnishing marijuana”— the police ended up searching his home and found another 0.9 kg of pot there.
Santa needs a new ride
It was November 27, 2015, when a man in a full Santa suit arrived at Campo de Marte Airport in Sao Paola, Brazil, looking to hire a helicopter.
Bad ol’ Saint Nick told the pilot that he wanted to rent a helicopter to create a “surprise” to mark Brazilian Black Friday. And surprise he did.
The pilot was very surprised when Santa Claus took out a weapon and told him to fly to a farm away from the city. Once at the farm, they met up with an accomplice and the pair tied up the pilot and made their getaway in their new ride.
The pilot eventually freed himself and alerted the police, but the copter and its occupants seem to have vanished. They were never found.
We’ve got a good ol’ Canadian story here for you folks that are under the impression that all of us Canadians are jolly ol’ fellas (and ladies).
Every year Canada Post, our federal mail department, runs a program where children can write letters to Santa, and they get a personal reply. By 2007, our program had over 15-million letters and even resulted in a stamp in the Guinness Book of World Records.
However, 10 unlucky children got replies back one year with very un-holiday-like sentiments saying things like: “This letter is too long, you dumb shit.” And, “Your mom sucks dick and your dad is gay.”
Canada Post caught up with the naughty Santa and it was found to be a group of minors who had gained access to the letters.
Did you love this episode? Check these other gems out:
- Christmas Mysteries: Christeries, if you will: Ready to get your mystery on? Here are seven mind-bending mysteries!
- A Ghostly Flight: Haunted Flight 401: Not exactly holiday-themed, but in December 1972, Eastern Airlines 401 crashed in the Everglades while trying to land in Miami and some ghostly passengers never did stop flying.
- Krampus: Does Santa Claus have an evil brother? Let’s find out!
- Bloody Christmas: In this holiday-themed episode, we’re talking about five different true crime Christmas stories.
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